Open my eyes, staring at the wall be side me.listen cearfully, its quiet out side.turn right. Had a quick look at the window. Cloudy, ready to rain! Sky , cold weather , another autumn morning. searching for my phone on the floor .turn it on. 10 a.m.
late for normal people , soon for some one who has fallen asleep at 5:00 am.
stretching my arms, look at the ceiling, I was thinking that I’m still alive. Its not over.damn! the mattress and pillow were cold. But it dosent matter really, its not like my body is warm itsellf. My temperature is below ziro often.
Turn left . gazing at the wall . I could remember every thing in details. Every single word. Its bad. I am not ok with this.its raining out side. Perfect! Cloudy dark rainy sky, sadness , hatered, anger, why this combination sound so familiar and trrible?
Turn agine and staring the ceiling. Try to breath deeply. But it was impossible.it was painful. I can feel that pain in my body. Inside me. Under my ribs, in my chest, so close to my heart. I was trying to deni it. But faild. Feel like there is a heavy stone on my chest, not so heavy to breaks my ribs ,neither so light to move easily by my lungs movment.the dipper I breath , the harder it pushed back.
My inner girl looked me in the eyes and asked : what is this?
“grief” , I replied . its grief.
-Why is that? She asked.
-Because I didn’t listen to you.I replied.
-So u remember what I was teeling u? all I have warend u to. all I was trying so hard this whole time to show u. and finally , u dumped me. Didn’t u? she said in a soft sad voice.
-Yes. I did. Because there is so much u don’t know. No one knows.
-Tell me then.
-I cant. Its not worth talking about it.
- what do u mean not worth it?
- because it is what it is. it cant be fixed. I cant do any thing about it. I just gona let it go. What ever it is .
-because it hurts. Don’t u feel that? It hurts.I wanna stop that pain. I wanna resist that torment.
- why is this end so bad?
- let me tell u something, when you love someone , its feel like a fire. Inside u. its burn you. Melt you. Warm u up. like its never gona die. But it will. At some point. On day, After all. An there, u’ll be. all alone . when love’s gone,The fire died. The only thing would left, is ashes. Its burn u to ashes.u wanna keep going? U need to come from the ashes. Start all over again. Rebuild yourself. Like a phoenix. U need to come back from death.how many times can u die ,before it changes u? huh?
Its not over yet,
When u like someone, its sweet. U can feel that with evey cells of your body. Like its tide up to every limb of you.and when its end, u feel that pain whit all your body. Limb by limb. Like its never gona stop. Like its immortal.
-How long its going to be like this?
-Days,weeks,months, even years! I don’t know.
-How long its been the last time?
-the last time? What do u mean? U think that I am so stupid to let my self through such a torment and misery , over and over again?!
-u mean , you have no objection?!
-At the moment , no! I mean no ! its not like I can do any thing! I cant fix it or do any thing else about it. I mean I somehow want to kill him! But I cant ! so… no! there is no solution.